LIVEdigitally

$4 gas (in the northeast, anyway), bank collapses, sluggish economic growth, pundits predicting recessions, bear markets, $140 oil, $900 gold, rampant foreclosures, and a plummeting dollar!

Oh my.

But for those of you quaking at the specter of Depression, or waiting in line at a California bank to retrieve your hard-earned cash (where you are reading this post on your 3G-enabled mobile device, natch), or those who are convinced that their money is surely safer in a mason jar under the mattress than an FDIC-insured institution, let me offer these comforting statistics:

• On Friday and Monday (“work” days, high 80s and sunny in New York), people waited up to ten hours in line to buy a $300 cell phone.
• On Saturday and Sunday (89 degrees and sunny in New York), people waited up to ten hours in line to buy a $300 cell phone.
• As of 9 PM Monday night, there was not a single $300 cell phone (for which people waited up to ten hours in line) in the entire state of New Jersey. An intrepid reporter found that there were 21 states where one would have to suffer the indignity of not even being PERMITTED to wait up to ten hours in line to buy a $300 cell phone, because there were none to be had.

Don’t read this as an indictment of the people who stood in line. I’ll happily admit I know these wait times because, in my desperate need to 3G-ify myself, I made no fewer than five calls to various Apple stores over the weekend, even stopping by one on the way to the beach on Sunday to see whether their line was less than ten hours – it was, at a mere four, but they had capped the line because lucky Mr. Minute 240 represented the last phone they had in stock.

Folks, there is nothing to worry about. Our gadget-driven economy has never been stronger. As long as we fanboys can find both the scratch and the time, including taking a day off from work(!), to queue up by the sweaty thousands for a shot at the latest shiny bauble (OK, mobile communications device with blazing fast ^TM internet access, location-awareness, and a shiny, shiny interface), we can find a way to ensure tha the American economy remains a juggernaut. Jeremy posited that Apple is really the only company that can do hype right, but I don’t think he’s taken it far enough. Buttressed by Jobs-obsessed tech acolytes like you and me, the company has the ability to single-handledly (multi-touchedly?) drive the consumer engine of this great nation until our worries of collapsing mortgage giants and $100 fill-ups are things that we tell to our kids via a Sling application running on the latest 5G Apple iBrain.

But first things first: can someone give me a ride to the Apple store? I’m kinda short on gas money these days.